Coming to terms...

I've been coming to terms with some things this week. Most of them are not easy to admit; in fact, because of the way Pinterest and Better Homes and Gardens and every other domestic bliss peddling doo-dad paints motherhood and child-rearing, they're even embarrassing to admit.

1. I have a fussy baby. And that's okay.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was really happy. A lot for myself, but mostly for my husband because I knew how badly he wanted to be a dad. I want to have a family. I want to raise a kid. But I will be the first to admit that I am not a baby person. That said, when you're pregnant and you lay around and dream of what your kid will be like, it's hard not to romanticize babies. They are, in their best moments, cuddly, beautiful, sweet, adorable...all the things that you hope they'll be.They wear cute clothes and you're so proud you might explode every time they do something remotely human. And I'm not just talking when they smile for the first time or start using their adorable little voices. I was also really proud when Lukas farted on cue while I was taping a video to send to my mom.

Obviously, my kid's a comedic genius.

However, babies are also really difficult to deal with 24/7. Everyone will say that it's the first few weeks that are the worst. They are wrong. It is the second few weeks. Crying, for many babies, peaks at 6 weeks. If you have a baby that doesn't cry very much, you'll probably still get extra crying during that period. My baby cries. A lot. So for the past two weeks, if he has been awake, he's been crying. I get maybe 30 minutes of interaction out of him every day that doesn't involve his sweet little face all puffed up and red and me frantically trying to fix everything.

Which leads me to this statement: there is nothing wrong with Lukas, and sometimes he just cries. Sometimes gas drops help. Sometimes gripe water helps. Sometimes leaning him forward so there's some pressure on his belly helps. But going outside almost always helps, which tells me that in general, he's not really in pain or anything else. He's just crying. So Lukas and I will get through each crying spell, and I will tell myself that each one we survive (Pete, too, because thank goodness I have a husband who takes as much of the burden as I do) is one more spell that we'll never have to go through again.

This isn't to say that I think Lukie will always be like this. I know he won't. If I didn't have faith that this is a phase and that someday soon he'll be a happy, bouncy, giggly little boy, this would be a lot harder. It's not always easy remembering my perspective, but believe me, I have it. Someday soon, he'll be a fun-loving little boy, and he'll look like this a lot more often:

2. I am not stay-at-home-mom material (and this is said with an incredible amount of respect for SAH mommies-- probably more respect than I have ever had). Part of this is the previously mentioned crying. It's kind of gotten me to my wits' end at times. I get frustrated, I cry, I silently call Lukas a twerp.

The other part is the fact that I genuinely like what I do for a living, and I miss helping people find important information every day. I like that at the end of every day, I feel like I've had a positive impact on lots of peoples' lives. Not that I couldn't have that impact as a mom at home, but working is genuinely something I enjoy.

I've decided that I will be a better mom as a working mother than I could ever be at home. I would resent my child and my husband if I wasn't working on something outside the home that meant a lot to me, and I worked really hard to earn the two Masters degrees that have earned me the privilege of the job I have.

3. I'm terrified of not being a stay-at-home mom.Even with the knowledge that I will be mentally and emotionally healthier when I go back to work, I'm still worried sick about sending Lukas to daycare. I know deep down that it's best for him, Pete, and myself that we get on a routine where Lukie goes to school (of sorts) and Pete and I go to work, but I'm terrified of the day it all happens. A list of the things that worry me: Lukie is exclusively breastfed right now, I have NO idea how much food to send with him. Lukie has spent every day with me; will he get scared when I'm not around? What if Lukie cries all day and I'm not there to fix it? What if he doesn't nap well and we get an exhausted baby back at night who won't sleep because he's overtired? What if I've held him too much and there won't be anybody to hold him and make him feel better when he's upset? What if the daycare ladies don't like him because he's a crier? OH MY GOD what if he picks up the ebola virus?????? (Okay, that last one is just one of those crazy things that pops into my head.)

I really don't have a solution for #3 on this list yet. I imagine it's one of those things we'll just deal with until it's the new normal. Just know that while I'm looking forward to going back to work, and embarrassed to admit that part of what I'm looking forward to is some time away from my kid, I'm also a conflicted soul who's TERRIFIED of sending my kid away from me and even feels a little guilty for needing to get away from him for a while.

4. I've blogged about how big Lukas is, and I've decided that... well...my kid is a chunk and until he's no longer a baby who can't get exercise, he's going to stay that way. The doctor told me to cut back on his intake...well, it just can't happen. He's hungry all the time, and I've decided that's okay. He doesn't look like a Thanksgiving turkey yet, and Pete was a huge baby, too. And if the doctor tells me he's too heavy, well...sorry, doc. He's a baby. He'll show me if he eats to much by spitting it all up, which is something he has done exactly once in his entire 7.5-week existence. He's hungry, so I'll feed him. He's already a fussy kid. I'm not going to starve him on top of that.

But no, seriously, he's a chunk.

So those are the things I've come to terms with this week. I'm a little embarrassed by the emotions I've had; maternity leave has been difficult for me for lots of reasons, not the least of which is how much I miss home and my family, my mom, my grandma, my aunts and cousins who've done this before and could help me through it. I'm so blessed to have a couple wonderful friends who will come sit with me when Lukas is crying and bring me food and baby hand-me-downs. I have a husband who tries really hard to make sure I have a little me time every now and then, and reassures me that I'm doing ok...

...who reminds me not to get caught up in the way things are "supposed" to happen.

And I have an awesome kid who smiles at me sometimes...generally when I'm changing his diaper or he's just pooped...but I'll take what I can get until he's happy and running around like a crazy man. Which, I keep telling myself, will be here before I know it, so I'd better enjoy each cranky, crabby moment. There are a finite number of crabby pants moments...but he loves me through those, too.