8 weeks old!

I guess it took me tattling on Lukas to all of the blogosphere and Facebook for him to see the error of his ways and start shaping up. I'm not saying he's an easy baby yet (though I have faith), but the last 3-4 days have been markedly better. I would estimate he's only been doing about half the daytime crying he used to do, and there's even a good chunk of smiling in between the frowny times! AND he's recently decided he likes having his diaper changed!!

Well, he doesn't HATE having his diaper changed. He usually smiles at me when I take the dirty one off and likes hearing the diaper changing song.  You'll never hear it unless I'm changing your diaper. So what I'm saying is...you'll never hear it.

I spoke with my brother on Skype today and he mentioned that I looked healthier and happier. I think Lukas' crying phase had really taken a toll the last time I had spoken with Eric. After just 3 days of having a baby who doesn't shriek in my general direction 8 hours out of every day, I already have a better perspective. I know there will be other fussy times. The first time he brings home a cold from daycare, when he starts teething, frustration over learning new skills...those will all suck...but at least those times I'll know there's a reason. The worst part about Lukie's fussy stage (knock on wood that it's winding down now) was not knowing if and when it would end. It was really starting to affect me mentally and emotionally. Now, I get more of the day with this guy:

And maybe a little less with this guy:

In other news this week, I've set my return-to-work date for a little less than two weeks from now. I've spoken with the library manager and I'm going to cut my maternity leave short by a couple of weeks, though I haven't spoken with my supervisor yet so I don't know exactly what day I'll go back. I'm ready to go back to work, and in a lot of ways, I'm ready for life to start looking normal again. I know it won't be the kind of normal we were used to before Lukas was born, but I think we all need to figure out how we're going to live life as a family, and a big part of that is learning to navigate Pete and my work schedules with a baby. I'm ready to start living our life the way we will until Lukie goes to real school, and me being at home is NOT anything like what life will be like for the next 5 years.

In preparation for Lukie going to daycare, we've started practicing with the bottle more. This has been a bit of an unexpected challenge. Lukie has been bottle trained since week 3 or so, when I was having so much trouble nursing and needed a break from his chomping. I'd pump and we'd give him the breastmilk in a bottle. He was always a little bit too happy to play with it for a few minutes, but ultimately, he'd straighten out and take the bottle, no problem. He was on a bottle for an entire afternoon when I had to leave him with Pete once. He took 3 bottles in six hours without a fight.

We've also decided that we'd like him to at least be USED to formula, just for emergencies, though we've also tossed the idea around of having  him on formula about 40% of the time. That way I wouldn't have to be on such a rigorous schedule of pumping while at work, and we'd have a fall back if for some reason I couldn't be with him and we didn't have a way to get breastmilk to him.

Yeah. We thought that would work. Except...Lukas HATES the formula. He was on the pre-made formula when he was a newborn and we had the dehydration scare, but since then, he's been exclusively on breastmilk. He'll take breastmilk in a bottle as long as it's warmed up, but try him with powdered formula and you will get shrieks of frustration like you've never heard a human being make. We've tried Gerber Good Start and Enfamil powdered so far. We've read that Similac pre-made is sweeter, so we'll probably buy a can of that and try it out. I don't need him to love the stuff, since I'm willing to pump 3-4 times per day at work to try to give him as much breastmilk as he needs, but I need him to be willing to take formula in an emergency. The pre-made stuff is way expensive, but as long as it's not the primary way we're feeding him, the cost won't be too prohibitive.

Sigh. Lukie, you are a stubborn child. I think you come by that naturally. Blame it on Mommy.

Finally, "8 Weeks Old" pictures. Time flies.

 (Maggie photobombing Daddy photobombing Lukie...)

And what I'm about to do...for 3 hours...until little dickens wakes me up...

Next post: 2 MONTHS OLD AND GRANDMA VICKIE'S COMING TO VISIT!!!

Coming to terms...

I've been coming to terms with some things this week. Most of them are not easy to admit; in fact, because of the way Pinterest and Better Homes and Gardens and every other domestic bliss peddling doo-dad paints motherhood and child-rearing, they're even embarrassing to admit.

1. I have a fussy baby. And that's okay.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was really happy. A lot for myself, but mostly for my husband because I knew how badly he wanted to be a dad. I want to have a family. I want to raise a kid. But I will be the first to admit that I am not a baby person. That said, when you're pregnant and you lay around and dream of what your kid will be like, it's hard not to romanticize babies. They are, in their best moments, cuddly, beautiful, sweet, adorable...all the things that you hope they'll be.They wear cute clothes and you're so proud you might explode every time they do something remotely human. And I'm not just talking when they smile for the first time or start using their adorable little voices. I was also really proud when Lukas farted on cue while I was taping a video to send to my mom.

Obviously, my kid's a comedic genius.

However, babies are also really difficult to deal with 24/7. Everyone will say that it's the first few weeks that are the worst. They are wrong. It is the second few weeks. Crying, for many babies, peaks at 6 weeks. If you have a baby that doesn't cry very much, you'll probably still get extra crying during that period. My baby cries. A lot. So for the past two weeks, if he has been awake, he's been crying. I get maybe 30 minutes of interaction out of him every day that doesn't involve his sweet little face all puffed up and red and me frantically trying to fix everything.

Which leads me to this statement: there is nothing wrong with Lukas, and sometimes he just cries. Sometimes gas drops help. Sometimes gripe water helps. Sometimes leaning him forward so there's some pressure on his belly helps. But going outside almost always helps, which tells me that in general, he's not really in pain or anything else. He's just crying. So Lukas and I will get through each crying spell, and I will tell myself that each one we survive (Pete, too, because thank goodness I have a husband who takes as much of the burden as I do) is one more spell that we'll never have to go through again.

This isn't to say that I think Lukie will always be like this. I know he won't. If I didn't have faith that this is a phase and that someday soon he'll be a happy, bouncy, giggly little boy, this would be a lot harder. It's not always easy remembering my perspective, but believe me, I have it. Someday soon, he'll be a fun-loving little boy, and he'll look like this a lot more often:

2. I am not stay-at-home-mom material (and this is said with an incredible amount of respect for SAH mommies-- probably more respect than I have ever had). Part of this is the previously mentioned crying. It's kind of gotten me to my wits' end at times. I get frustrated, I cry, I silently call Lukas a twerp.

The other part is the fact that I genuinely like what I do for a living, and I miss helping people find important information every day. I like that at the end of every day, I feel like I've had a positive impact on lots of peoples' lives. Not that I couldn't have that impact as a mom at home, but working is genuinely something I enjoy.

I've decided that I will be a better mom as a working mother than I could ever be at home. I would resent my child and my husband if I wasn't working on something outside the home that meant a lot to me, and I worked really hard to earn the two Masters degrees that have earned me the privilege of the job I have.

3. I'm terrified of not being a stay-at-home mom.Even with the knowledge that I will be mentally and emotionally healthier when I go back to work, I'm still worried sick about sending Lukas to daycare. I know deep down that it's best for him, Pete, and myself that we get on a routine where Lukie goes to school (of sorts) and Pete and I go to work, but I'm terrified of the day it all happens. A list of the things that worry me: Lukie is exclusively breastfed right now, I have NO idea how much food to send with him. Lukie has spent every day with me; will he get scared when I'm not around? What if Lukie cries all day and I'm not there to fix it? What if he doesn't nap well and we get an exhausted baby back at night who won't sleep because he's overtired? What if I've held him too much and there won't be anybody to hold him and make him feel better when he's upset? What if the daycare ladies don't like him because he's a crier? OH MY GOD what if he picks up the ebola virus?????? (Okay, that last one is just one of those crazy things that pops into my head.)

I really don't have a solution for #3 on this list yet. I imagine it's one of those things we'll just deal with until it's the new normal. Just know that while I'm looking forward to going back to work, and embarrassed to admit that part of what I'm looking forward to is some time away from my kid, I'm also a conflicted soul who's TERRIFIED of sending my kid away from me and even feels a little guilty for needing to get away from him for a while.

4. I've blogged about how big Lukas is, and I've decided that... well...my kid is a chunk and until he's no longer a baby who can't get exercise, he's going to stay that way. The doctor told me to cut back on his intake...well, it just can't happen. He's hungry all the time, and I've decided that's okay. He doesn't look like a Thanksgiving turkey yet, and Pete was a huge baby, too. And if the doctor tells me he's too heavy, well...sorry, doc. He's a baby. He'll show me if he eats to much by spitting it all up, which is something he has done exactly once in his entire 7.5-week existence. He's hungry, so I'll feed him. He's already a fussy kid. I'm not going to starve him on top of that.

But no, seriously, he's a chunk.

So those are the things I've come to terms with this week. I'm a little embarrassed by the emotions I've had; maternity leave has been difficult for me for lots of reasons, not the least of which is how much I miss home and my family, my mom, my grandma, my aunts and cousins who've done this before and could help me through it. I'm so blessed to have a couple wonderful friends who will come sit with me when Lukas is crying and bring me food and baby hand-me-downs. I have a husband who tries really hard to make sure I have a little me time every now and then, and reassures me that I'm doing ok...

...who reminds me not to get caught up in the way things are "supposed" to happen.

And I have an awesome kid who smiles at me sometimes...generally when I'm changing his diaper or he's just pooped...but I'll take what I can get until he's happy and running around like a crazy man. Which, I keep telling myself, will be here before I know it, so I'd better enjoy each cranky, crabby moment. There are a finite number of crabby pants moments...but he loves me through those, too.

7 Weeks!

Lukie turns 7 weeks old today! I would say time has flown...and in a way it has...but there are days...oh, there are days. I was telling a friend the other day: the days are slow, but the weeks go quickly. It seems like, on days when Lukas is really frustrating me and cries all day, the end of the day can't come quickly enough. Then I look back on Sunday and wonder how another week has gone by.

Luke went through his 6-week growth spurt right on time. At 5.5 weeks, he started getting really fussy (well, even fussier than usual), and about two days ago it started getting a little better. Everything I've read says that crying peaks at 6 weeks or so, so hopefully we're on the downswing. When he's happy and having fun, it is SO fun. He smiles like this:

But when he's cranky, whoa, man. I don't think he's an incredibly fussy baby; I think he might be on the fussy side of the scale, but he's been better lately, so hopefully it'll start declining a little bit here soon. He's been a challenge, for sure. Everyone tells me that if I have another kid, that kid might be the exact opposite and be the calmest baby ever. We'll see if I survive this one!!

I feel like the days have kind of blurred together here lately...sleep deprivation? Honestly, Lukie's sleeping has been getting better. It may have been better for a while, actually, and I was ruining it. I've never really been around a newborn at night before, so I didn't know a crucial fact: newborns are LOUD sleepers! Lukie grunts, cries, kicks, gurgles, and everything else under the sun in his sleep, and I was mistaking particularly loud grunts for being awake. No wonder the kid was cranky every morning; I had spent every night getting him up every two hours when he started grunting really loudly. Who knows, he might have spent longer times asleep if I'd have waited him out. 

After coming to this realization about a week ago, we decided to take a different approach to Lukie's sleeping. I'm a super light sleeper, and I was waking up every time Lukas moved in his sleep. To deal with this, we've moved Luke's bassinet out into the hallway outside the bedroom and put a fan out there for white noise. Now, I can hear him if he starts to make "awake" noises, but I have a better shot at ignoring "sleep" noises.

Lukas has a natural bedtime of about 7:30 or 8 (and I am not messing with this- I will defend that bedtime to the death! It's the only easy thing he does!), so we put him in the buzzy seat downstairs while Pete works on things for school. This way I can go upstairs and get some really quiet, deep sleep for a few hours, probably from about 9-12. Eventually, around 12:00 or 1:00, Luke wakes up hungry and Pete brings him up to me. I don't stimulate him at all, just feed him and burp him. He's usually back down by 1:30 or so and sleeps until 3:30 or 4. Luke's a bit harder to get to go down at this point, but he usually goes into another (fitful) sleep until about 5:45. When he starts to cry, I get up, change his diaper, feed him again, and spend an hour or so in bed either reading or using the internet on my phone. We're up at about 7. All told, with the breaks required to feed, change (sometimes), and get Lukas back to sleep, I'm probably getting about 6 very broken hours of sleep, which is way better than the 3-4 I was getting a few weeks ago.

In other news, we bought a new car! It's a Jetta SportWagen. My Malibu had 140,000 miles on it and was going to require at least $1,000 in repairs this year. It needed new tires and had another wheel bearing going out. We decided that since Volkswagen has a great financing offer going on right now, we'd take the plunge and get a new vehicle. Pictures to come in a couple days.

Finally, we've started reading to Lukie a little bit. I'm really glad now that I took that Youth Services Librarianship class! Babies really respond to high-contrast images, so we've done really simple board books. He didn't really give a hoot when I read "The Little Engine that Could" to him (one of my personal favorites), but when I got out "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", he actually looked at the pages while I was reading them to him. It was fun, and it keeps me going because I know someday he'll be a little boy, sitting on my lap, and bringing me his favorite book to read every night at bedtime.

Here are some 7-week-old pictures with which to end the post. I can't believe how big he is. I have a feeling I'm going to be in trouble with the doctor at his 2 month appointment...but you try telling this kid it's time to stop eating! The doctor said to only feed him one side, or to limit the time he spends on each side if I want to do both...all that has led to is his wanting to eat every hour/hour and a half instead of every two hours. I've got a feeling we're going to have a 14 pound kid on September 5th.

He's so ridiculously beautiful in this picture. I just can't!

Little Boy Blue...

So...be prepared to be a little scared by what you are about to see.

The thrush has still been a problem as far as Lukie and my nursing attempts are going. He's fine, happy as a clam when he's eating. Me, I'm kind of in pain all the time. Less so now, though, since we've been using a different treatment. It's called gentian violet. It's a gentle antiseptic that I paint on before he nurses so that we both get some of the treatment (even though he has no symptoms, he could still have thrush in his mouth and be passing it back to me). Here's the thing...this stuff is BLUE. And I mean...BLUE.

After the initial treatment, before I wiped the excess off...

It had kind of been my treatment option of last resort, mostly because I had a hard time getting something all over his face that was going to stain him so bad. He's so beautiful and perfect...didn't want to spray paint the Mona Lisa. However, eventually, this was my only option. Pete and I did some laughing, I did a little crying because I hated staining his face so much, but I am feeling better.

Besides, the worst of it went away pretty quickly. The vast majority of the staining on his cheeks and chin was gone in about 18 hours. Now every time I use it, since we did the first big treatment, I use it more sparingly and he only gets stained lips.

The other thing that's been making us blue lately is Lukas hitting his 6-week growth spurt. Friday and Saturday, he was a happy kid; I believe I chronicled how nicely Saturday went in my last post. Come Sunday morning, though....whew, watch out. This kid went through four whole days (we're working on the fifth now, though it's nothing like Tuesday was) where if he wasn't eating (constantly) or sleeping (almost never, both daytime and nighttime), he was screaming.

Kids go through a period where they cry a lot and really for no reason, but I also knew part of it was that his little belly was probably hurting him. Simethicone gas drops weren't helping. A friend suggested gripe water; I have since decided that stuff should be standard-issue leaving the hospital. The first time I gave it to him, he was screaming bloody murder. It took about 4-5 minutes, but I literally saw it take effect. One moment he was bawling his eyes out, the next he just calmed down and went to sleep. Like magic. Let's just hope I don't overdose the kid on the stuff.

Lukie also got his Social Security card in the mail yesterday. I felt a little bit like Steve Martin in The Jerk, thinking, "This is the kind of thing that MAKES people!"

AND, finally, Luke turned 6 weeks old yesterday! Here are a couple pictures to show you what a big boy he is!!

Adventures!!

It's been kind of a week of firsts around here!

Lukie is now eating yogurt 1 or 2 times a day to help his belly a bit. He wasn't really sure about it at first (probably seemed a little sour compared to breastmilk), but he's getting the hang of it. Wish I could say the same for the pacifier we give him to serve the yogurt, but hey, baby steps, right?

We've switched to footie pajamas. We were having him sleep in a onesie with a swaddling blanket around him, but he'd inevitably kick it off and then get cold...and then wake up cranky about it. So not only do they keep him warm, but they are INSANELY cute.

 (Post bathtime freak-out exhaustion)

We also took our first big day away from the house yesterday. We went to Kingsport and test drove a car, then went to the library to see Grandma Rebecca and have lunch with her and another co-worker, Miss Karen, and then we went to Jonesborough to see one of Pete's students and the exhibit she did for the historical society there.

Grandma Rebecca finally got to hold Lukie!

The trip went well...mostly. We had one minor freak-out in a car between the dealership and the library, and a major one later when Mommy and Daddy stopped to get ice cream and the car wasn't moving anymore...for WAY TOO LONG apparently. Otherwise, he was a perfect gentleman at the library and at lunch. I'm hoping we're turning a corner on the crying. He barely cried at all yesterday afternoon and evening.

Finally, and I don't have any pictures of this for obvious reasons, we had our first freak-out free bath time. Luke has HATED baths since he was born. We're talking full-on meltdown hatred. I posted about it on Facebook, and a friend of mine suggested two things: if we use a baby tub, remove the hammock. If I was comfortable with it, take a bath with him. We did the latter last night, and man, what a difference. I filled the tub with 4-5 inches of warm water, and then I sat in there. Pete handed Luke to me, and when his feet hit the water, he made this wide-eyed shocked expression and then just MELTED into the water and became a super slippery water baby. He was a happy guy the entire time, eventually letting me lay him down in the water while I washed his hair with ZERO fussing. Now, I was a little worried the whole time that he would poop in the water, but we made sure he had pooped recently before we pulled this stunt, and it worked SO well. I'd have stayed in there playing with him for half an hour if it wasn't for my fear of an accident in the tub. Next time, we might try the baby bath without the hammock, since I don't know that I'll want to get wet every time he needs a bath, but if that doesn't work, it's nice to know that this does!

We've done a 180...

Well, apparently I went from an unsuccessful breastfeeding experience to too successful. We went to the doctor today and our kid is...um...a little on the <cough> chunky side.

When Lukas was born, he weighed 7 lbs 8 oz. He lost about 7% of his bodyweight after birth, which is totally normal, but was back up to 7 lbs 6 oz by his first doctor's appointment. Two weeks ago, when we met with the lactation consultant, he was up to 9 lbs 4 oz...today he was 11 lbs 9 oz. He's gained more than 4 lbs since birth, which averages out to a bit under a pound a week.

Apparently most babies gain about a half a pound a week. Oops.

The nice thing is that I don't have to worry that he's not getting enough to eat. The bad thing is that now I have to limit his intake a little bit and he is NOT going to like it. The doctor wants me feeding him out of one side at a time. We'll see. We tried it when we got home and I still had to put him on the other side for about 5 minutes to get him to feel like he was done. Last night, though, he was only asking for one side, so maybe he's starting to self-regulate a bit.

The over-feeding apparently also explains why this kid is SUPER gassy. He's not lactose-intolerant, but he is probably a bit lactose-overloaded. The doc said to give him some yogurt twice a day to give him more bacteria in his belly to break that lactose down. We're kind of excited about this because we're going to try dipping a pacifier in vanilla yogurt to feed it to him. We're hoping he'll start taking a pacifier with this added incentive, since he prefers to use me as a pacifier and just really has never been interested in them. Honestly, that's probably part of the overfeeding-- he likes to comfort nurse, and so he's getting comfort and extra calories at the same time. To be able to give him a pacifier when he's just being fussy would be really nice

And now for some chubby baby pictures...

He smiles!

Kind of. Prepare to "awwwwwww".

One Month!

We made it to one month! Way to go, Lukie!! (And Mommy and Daddy!)

Grandma Vickie and GrandBob were around for Lukas' first month birthday this weekend. They came in Friday. Mom and Dad and I went into town on Saturday morning to get me a smart phone (joining the ranks of the connected) and take a walk at Tusculum. Pete and Dad hooked up our new dishwasher in the afternoon. We figured that once Lukie is using more bottles, we might want a dishwasher to clean and sanitize them. Mom and Dad were awesome and bought it for me for my birthday.

On Sunday, we all went to the Book Lovers' Warehouse in Jonesborough to buy some used books. I bought Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe and Lake Wobegone Days by Garrison Keillor. Pete and I both love Garrison Keillor; in fact we considered Garrison as a name for Lukie.

Tonight we had coconut pie with a candle in it for Lukie's birthday (after dinner of BLT's, tomato salad, corn on the cob, and mac 'n cheese). I thought I had regular candles, but it turns out I only had a big 3 and a big 4, apparently left over from last year when I must have meant to make Pete a 34th birthday cake. Oh, well. One month is close to 4 weeks, right??? Mostly, the pie is to congratulate Pete and me for surviving a month with a baby...and to congratulate Luke for surviving a month without us messing up too badly.

And now, for something truly scary.

Lukie at 3 days old and 7 lbs 8 oz (well, probably less because newborns lose a decent amount of their body weight right off the bat).

Lukie at 1 month old. I think he's somewhere around 10 lbs now. We'll find out at his doctor's appointment on Wednesday, but he was 9 lbs 4 oz two weeks ago Tuesday. I'm so proud of all that baby fat and that double chin. It means that, despite all the nursing trouble, I'm doing a good job fattening him up!!

4 weeks old! (Yesterday.)

We've been getting out of the house a lot more lately. On Monday, Luke and I went on our walk at Tusculum and then I got adventurous and went to the grocery store. I took him in there in his Baby K'Tan wrap, and he spent the first 10-15 minutes just looking around while I talked to him about what we were buying for dinner. Then he fell asleep and was an angel the rest of the time.

Wednesday was my 4-week appointment. I left Lukie with Pete at the museum with a bottle, and it went okay until I was at the pharmacy getting medication and Lukie had a freak-out. Pete said he basically flipped out until he exhausted himself, and then fell asleep.

Today, Lukie and I felt brave, so we went to the Kingsport Public Library together without Daddy. Luke did so well-- he slept MOST of the way to the library, needed to eat when we got there, and then went in his K'tan wrap and slept the whole hour and a half we were there. We turned in the books I had checked out before I went on family medical leave a little early, and then we spent some time with another of Lukie's surrogate grandmas on her last day at the library. Luke slept the whole way home.


AND Lukie looked super cute at the library today. Thanks for the awesome duds, Amy Warters!!

Also, I just want to say thank you to all of the awesome ladies who have commented on the blog and on Facebook offering support during Lukie and my nursing troubles. It's been an emotional road, in a lot of ways wayy harder than pregnancy ever was, and it's been great hearing from so many ladies who either struggled, themselves, or wanted to encourage us to work through it. I'm really lucky to have so many cool women in my life, and so is Luke.